Advice for Dads, Grads, and Others

Claremont, California—

Maybe it’s my son’s impending graduation from high school, but I’m feeling a little Garrison Keillorish today. Consider this a detour from the usual hard-eyed analysis and pungent commentary on Alaska public corruption featured on this website. Here’s a handful of pieces of advice I have gotten from or given to people close to me over the years:

1. If you want to look like a tough guy in a bar, don’t drink from a straw.

2. When you get into a conflict with a friend, consider whether you should make the first move to reconcile. Life’s short, and you want to save at least six for the pallbearers.

3. If you are a guy who finds that you are falling behind in your household chores, reconceptualize your relationship with domestic tasks. Don’t think “Using a vacuum cleaner is boring.” Think “I’m going to impose my masculine will on the dirt, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.” To make yourself feel even better, say this out loud while hitching up your pants and spitting. (Spitting works best outside.)

4. If you’re a parent at a high school graduation, it’s considered bad form to ask at the end of the ceremony “When does the band start?”

5. If circumstances lead you to dine repeatedly during a brief period with your child, your mother, your girlfriend, and your ex-wife, make special efforts to keep your mouth closed while chewing your food.

(Note: Slightly punched up on June 3, 2009.)